Beautiful Idiot
by vacant houses
Summary: Post A Good Man Goes to War. Crack fic. In which the Doctor has a plan, the TARDIS disapproves and the rules about companions get rewritten.


Doctor Who is not mine.

If I ever had to ship the Doctor with anyone, I think it would have to be with the TARDIS.

* * *

The Doctor stared suspiciously at the TARDIS console.

"You," he began in an indignant tone, "Can make Time babies."

The TARDIS gave an affirmative hum, the lights of the control room dimming in acknowledgement as wry surprise flickered through her pilot's mind. The truth about River Song was blindsided them both, amazed him and the beginnings of hope had begun to flicker inside him.

"Okay, okay, I can work with that," the Doctor said as he paced wildly around the room, "New rules for companions, they have to be married or engaged or sexually active-not with me, of course. Never ever with me because things get complicated, confusing, and awkward and then there will be unnecessary guilt and angst and you, my dear sexy machine, will always be the one for me. Except, apparently River, which is weird because well, I've never been engaged to a companion's child and because it's River and she's a bit unbearably smug. Sexy though."

The TARDIS waited patiently for her pilot to sort his mind out, though she did resent that he was admiring the other woman. "Not as Sexy as you though," he was quick to assure her, "River does not exist across all space and time and is not constructed from complicated quantum block equations."

The timeship had to agree. Math was very sexy to any species that existed at four or more dimensions and the TARDIS existed across eleven of them. Third dimensional beings had such limited ideas of the universe.

"I wish we knew about this sooner," the Doctor muttered, "I would have never discouraged Captain Jack's flirting. I would have dragged Mickey Smith on board that time I asked him and insisted Martha came for a few more flights along with her fiancé, Tom what's-his-name. Right! Dump all contraceptives on board. No, wait, do we even have contraceptives?"

Sexy pulsed in confirmation as she dutifully carried out his orders. "So we did," the Doctor's face wrinkled in confusion. "How did that happen? I know I didn't buy them and clearly Amy and Rory haven't been using any. What have _you _been buying them for anyway?"

The timeship went silent. The Doctor turned and gave the console a horrified look. "Okay, moving on, forgetting this unfortunate, unpleasant discovery," he uncomfortably adjusted his bowtie before wiping the past twenty seconds from his mind.

"Alright, time for a plan…the plan is, I need a list of all past companions that are in a serious relationship that I haven't already attended their wedding. We will show up on their wedding nights and offer them a trip for their honeymoon. Return them to their time," he gave the console a disapproving look, "On time. None of this one year, two years, twelve years late rubbish. And viola, baby Time Lords for everyone!"

The TARDIS was fairly certain that this sounded like an Evil Plan. How many times had they foiled some species that was trying to breed on planet Earth?

"No, no, no," her pilot protested, "I'm giving them a wedding present. You know, people give married couples things that would useful for setting up their new life. I'm giving their children superior Time Lord biology. Very useful, they will never fail Math, Physics, school, life in general. Who needs things like parental consent?"

Sexy decided that this was firmly in Evil Plan territory and disagreed. She suggested instead that Sex Ed classes would become part of the TARDIS orientation talk.

The Doctor gave his timeship a despairing look. "You'll be my Love TARDIS! Come on, Sexy, this is a great plan."

The TARDIS reminded her pilot of his dislike for domestics, then lifted pornographic images across all time and space and flooded his mind with them as a firm reminder of what baby making for third dimensional species involved.

"Alright," the Doctor said defensively, "I get it. Consider the subject discussed, dropped and buried. We won't kidnap companions on their wedding days nor will we only take couples on as companions. Now then," he focused abruptly, "We haven't seen Martha and Mickey Smith for a while, why don't we pop in on them for a quick visit?"

Sexy gave the eleventh dimension equivalent of rolling her eyes as her Time Lord set the co-ordinates. Watching him try to persuade his companions to copulate on board her was bound to be hilarious. Most humans could handle living inside her and the telepathic connection she built to translate for them but sex inside a living being was another matter altogether. Amy and Rory had been in unique circumstances, they were very much in love and had been deprived of intimate company for a while on their wedding night.

He was such a beautiful idiot.


End file.
